[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
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Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
The dark side of Canada
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵