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Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk