3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
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Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!