I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
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Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.