[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
You Might Also Like
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity