My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
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Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
A woman drives into a bar.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…