I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
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I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Meow
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
this is me
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.