This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
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[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!