Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
You Might Also Like
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Sex so good you see dead people.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January