That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
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At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.