Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
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TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.