Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
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If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
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