Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
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Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
(True)
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.