I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
You Might Also Like
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
My dad.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Happy birthday to all the women
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman