Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
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Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.