You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
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#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Ummm