Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Care for your back
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham