“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
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men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”