Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
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Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
me, after any kind of buffet.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.