*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
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Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
yeah no that’s fair
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra