My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
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My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
When someone trying to leave me
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.