I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
How do you milk an almond?
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
checking out some reviews of my local library
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Midwest trash talk
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
finally
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler