If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
You Might Also Like
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta