Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
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eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”