Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
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me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
this is the news I live for
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts