Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
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Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.