She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
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The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”