I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
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Am getting real tired of your crap…
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
nature’s most graceful animal
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.