Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
You Might Also Like
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Dune (2021)
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.