[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
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Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Cake safety first. Always.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.