manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
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Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
B
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”