[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
You Might Also Like
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Would you wear it?
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.