You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
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Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Holy crap this is wonderful
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
My boss: we鈥檙e gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Me: I鈥檓 here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you鈥檙e here for neither.
馃が賮賯胤 賮賷 賲氐乇 馃が
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I鈥檓 going to do it in my head. I鈥檒l let you know when I鈥檓 done
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 馃き
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I鈥檒l have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
If you say married people aren鈥檛 having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.