I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
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Okey dokey.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant