My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
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Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Comparing yourself to others
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way