wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
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My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*