youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
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Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
I saw nothing
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.