I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
You Might Also Like
This why you should mind your business
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
britain’s three elite institutions
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin