Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
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Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
[on my way back to the posting caves]
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”