When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
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An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.