Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
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The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.