I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
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My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
This kid is going places
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.