i can’t wait that long
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“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
*sewing*
A thread
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Meanwhile in Canada…
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments