a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
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me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏