There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
You Might Also Like
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Hank is one in a melon.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.