My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
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It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.