I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
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I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.