I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
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I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
My boss called in sick of me
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.