If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
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My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???