life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
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You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
I identify as an antique shop.
Got ya covered
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad